Happy Wellness Week #11: Dedicated to Jessica, Danny, My Mom & Everyone
Hello + Welcome!
Tonight, not long after paying Squarespace the annual fee to have my own (!!!!) website (thanks to Danny for finding it for me!! Thank you Danny!!!), and after he also made sure to sign me up to link my domain name with this new address, I realized that everything I’m doing are notes for the book or play or performance piece that I will (am) write(-ing), creating. I was just coming back into my true self. And then I start to see how my actions become dishonest and aren’t full of Compassion, Sharing, Love and Community. Humility can be powerful. That self reflection of the things I’m most ashamed of. A new tenet in my Worship of Water: always help those around you be the best they can be. There is love in abundance. Can’t we love each other? Love is powerful and so is friendship. I dedicate what is actually the third major chapter in my life after my parents separated when I was six and my dad getting killed on his bicycle the summer I turned 20, a month after I lost my virginity... This has been an extremely turbulent life and the third chapter has to be the first to get written. I finally have the courage to be honest and channel this self love. I dedicate this chapter of creative expression and self love to Jessica Wiscovitch. She is my sister and my rock. She is my champion, life support, constant love, director, creative advisor, and friend. I love you Jessica! I could not do this without you. You were little lentil's Godmommy Jessie and you'll be the next baby's godmother.
So many, so many people in my life are helping me, supporting me, loving me, reaching out to me, caring for me, worrying about me, thinking of me, writing to me. And I am blessed. I have so much love, I feel so much love. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I find myself in tears again.
I also find that when I follow these tenets, to do the best and be the best, I have to go back to that place of darkness, where I become another kind of monster. Self-absorbed, selfish, I’ve been called this a lot by friends, partners, parents. I put up another face with people and the closest see me for my true self. But it is only one true self. Love needs to guide all of our actions - this is what little lentil has taught me, what Jessica has taught me, you all teach me this, I teach myself this. It pains me to think that I've hurt you with my selfishness. These are all emotions and deserve validating. But then we need to go to that place of forgiveness and forgive ourselves because forgiveness is love and I love you, Jessica. I need to forgive myself when I hurt you, when I hurt others and then, make it up to them! What we have taught each other by being true loving friends to one another. And I tell you that children inspire me and have a deep wisdom, you tell me you always knew this. You have so much deep deep wisdom. Children have this too - children are amazing! You are amazing! You teach me and we learn together that sharing is beautiful, loving and important!
Just for you, I’m writing up all the inspirational quotes and ideas and collaborations for a book or a poster or a performance piece - all the ideas you threw at me (and coincidentally, my mom as well). We are only limited by the size of our dreams - I read a quote roughly like that in an Oprah magazine once. There you go. But we didn't have to buy anything, in fact, don't. Cultivate Your Inner Wise Self is my mantra and you gave me these words to describe my healing in this long life I'm having.
The more we share, the more we love, the happier we are, the better we all are. Friendship is so important!
I am healing myself but there is no way I could be doing all of this without all of my friends and family, but sometimes there’s one person (or several) who you talk on the phone for 2 ½ hrs with and don’t realize it. As I write this I feel as though I need/want to write a dedication to everyone who has touched my life and inspired me. Well this first one will be for you, Jessica.
We met at my first Mermaid Parade, when I was trying to join the choir, where we shared almonds at Ruby’s on the boardwalk at Coney Island in 2007 (How do they manage to bring so many amazing people together into a community? This group, and every person and child in it, has been an unending source of positivity, support and love. I am uniquely blessed). It was about a year later that we became close friends. I don’t know how it happened. We clicked. She is my soul sister. Crabs, cancers, New Yorkers, we journey, singing, dancing, journaling, sharing, bicycling, crying, loving, struggling, feeling, living.
You inspire me.
It's been so long, soooo long, (decades?) since I've journaled and you inspired me to do that with all of your incredible journals and journaling and sharing and embracing our beautiful, vulnerable selves. Our weekly Wellness Week emails, our check in with one another, writing our joys and our sorrows, since Valentine's Day this year when we went to Spa Castle with Danny and David and Al and Ashlie. How magnificent was that?
And I have to say, I have sought out another loving parent in my partner and beloved, Danny - when I used to believe that we all have multiple soul mates out there and then I met Danny and knew that he would be my always. I love you so much and everything that we’ve experienced together, the incredible joy, the deep sadness, the everything, I love you more and more. And I keep crying. I love you. You inspire me with your dedication to your art and to YAWN. Who knew how much heavy metal (and sometimes country) could change my life? Yesterday marked our 5 Year Anniversary - I didn’t remember until just now!! We are so funny that we always forget. I love you and I can’t wait to start to making a baby with you in July! Thank you for being my protector.
The truth is powerful. "love love love love love love love yes yes yes yes yes yes yes" - Rita DeCassia, healer
And if it scares you, do it. "There is no fear," that's what Jessica told me last night. It's all an illusion.
A very special thank you to my mom, who gave me the book by SARK which I read and then lent to Jessica - it was a huge catalyst in this journey we're all on - it was SARK that coined the phrase or at least made popular this idea of writing love notes to your Inner Wise Self. (Homework: Inspiration Sandwich: Stories to Inspire Our Creative Freedom. Berkeley, California: Celestial Arts. 1992) During January, I read it every time I went to the bathroom (which was/is a lot!). And I tell this to my mom and she doesn't even remember giving me the book. My mom has given me so much and contributed to who I am today - thank you mom. Mom, thank you for always believing in me and my talents. You have been my number one cheerleader even if I wasn't ready for it. Thank you for always being my champion, my walking talking résumé, supporting me and always seeing a light within me. I love you.
Also, I need to meet Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW - I think we would have a lot to talk about. Do you know her? Connect us! Or I'll write her myself! Thank you, Danny, for posting this definition of what courage is on my Facebook wall. I sob and sob, it is deep sadness but there is joy in there too, the deep sobbing where I'm just happy that all the pain is pouring out and in that pain, there is joy.
Also, I recommend listening to a lot of ABBA - it will make you happy and feel the love, hehe (much to Danny's dismay).
4.16.2014 Wednesday 4:20 AM
P.S. Please read Dream Journal - I've read it to/with many friends, my mom, our neighbor, the choir, coworkers and I share it with you. Please share it with those that have experienced a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth, abortion or other physical trauma or loss or death. Thank you thank you thank you.